Challenges and Limitation Are Not Circumstantial, They're PERCEPTUAL

Up until 13 years ago, I really did believe that my feelings and experiences were the effect of a little bit of luck, some (really) hard work and whatever happened to be going on around me in my immediate environment, with some additional influence by the  wider circles around me of community, culture, country and even the world in general.

 I was wrong.

Try as I might, (and I did) I found myself again and again falling prey to circumstances clearly outside of my control.  And it didn't feel fair.  Not at all.  Nobody seemed to care more or try harder than I did; why didn't I get the goods?  Where was the lasting fulfillment?

Oh there have been many bright spots along the way - certainly regular moments and hours throughout my days, and with luck the hours would become days and even weeks sometimes, occasionally a month or two, and once in awhile a good year or even a multiple year stretch.  And yet, the default always turned out to be a disheartening disappointment that somehow I and my life just were not measuring up to my idealistic  standards, despite my fervent desires and endeavors for more.

I'll spare you the juicy details, but suffice it to say that my endeavoring was fairly rigorous, including but not limited to 13 years in a spiritual community in California....

By 1997, I'd pretty much given up ever really believing that I'd find the inner peace and happiness that had eluded my grasp for my then 43 years on planet earth.  I figured I'd just continue to limp along the rest of my days, doing the best I could.  (Maybe I will get rewarded in heaven, who knows?)   I'd begun to succumb to the belief that true happiness was a very rare and precious commodity in this world.  And as such, who was I to even want more than my modest alottment?


If it were not for the uncharacteristic persistence of my dear friend Kathy, I never would have met Katie that Sunday afternoon so long ago.  I did my best to bow out, in fact - citing my busy schedule, and murmering 'Been there, done that." repeatedly under my breath.